Work & Social

Women struggling with need to please (SMH)

Psychology Today blog article by Todd B. Kashdan, Ph.D. (JUne 2009)

"When asked, people think that novel, uncertain events will be less pleasurable than feeling absolutely certain and possessing every bit of information possible in a situation. However, scientists are finding that when events are new and uncertain our pleasure is more likely to be intense; it will linger longer and be more meaningful. What this means is that most of us are doing the exact opposite of what will bring us fulfillment."

This blog echoes others I have read, Hugh Mackay,1 Charles Handy, William Butler Yeats2, Jane Roberts3 et al, in that handling surprise, challenge and difficulty is the stuff of life. It's why we're here. To learn, stretch and grow.

It's a common theme for success. As Lolly Daskal explains "By listening to your inner self and following your compass within,  you will find a life that is aligned with your talents, truth and values."

As Todd explains:

"How can you thrive in an uncertain, unpredictable, rapidly evolving world?

Explore your deepest, most central values by devoting time for introspection. Schedule this time as you would your workout sessions and doctor appointments."

I wrote in Be and Become that to handle uncertainty effectively, it behoves one to remain centred; to enable our internal gyroscope (values, beliefs) to steady our stance as the ship of life rocks and rolls in turbulent seas. Most hang on to the ships structure (ego, material things), losing a sense of direction, purpose and stability, and ultimately left feeling at the mercy of the elements. Steve Chandler explains that we hang on to our personalities at the expense of relationships, commitments and results.

Fiona Smith reports that "Happiness isn't enough - if you want to really flourish, you have to be prepared to be negative too."4

In an interview with Prof. Barbar Fredrickson (author, Positivity), Fiona reports that "experiencing negative emotions is crucial for mental social health." Fredrickson explains "'Research suggests that negative emotions are a very critical ingredient in flourishing. The honest expression of negative emotions is vital,' she says via phone from the US."

I believe it's also important to trust that which extends beyond ourselves ... the wider community, and our wider-than-thought (at-once, nonlocal) intuition.

Todd concludes:

"Forget about the pursuit of happiness. Create a life that matters and you might catch happiness along the way.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoidance of danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
~Helen Keller~"

Additional good stuff

This from Hugh Mackay:

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/478028-i-actually-attack-the-concept-of-happiness-the-idea-that

  • 1. "I just want my kids to be happy," I hear people say, as if happy kids are part of their perfect picture of themselves. But what a dreadful fate to befall anyone, just being happy. What about anguish, despair, panic and pain? Shouldn't our offspring experience the lot? "We grow through pain," we say, mining the wisdom of the ages and mouthing it like a slogan. But then we expect our every pain to be eased instantaneously: "Quick, a pill! I need perfect happiness!"

    {C}

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So deeply disconnected

While sharing some ideas on a science forum, I wrote the following:

“Now that we have met with paradox we have some hope of making progress.” [Niels Bohr]

I go further and argue that if the theory you are considering (e.g. to explain consciousness) is not at root a paradox, then it is a limited truth.

And no, we can never fully comprehend these paradoxes of life -- such as finite within the infinite, consciousness within a deeper collective-unconscious, part within whole, individual within oneness.

If you think you've fully understood any of the above paradoxes, you've simply demonstrated a bias of focus towards one side.

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Let's get clinical

While at the wonderful Gulgong Folk Festival recently I chatted to many people, and learned about many diverse and interesting world-views. I'm realising that people will accept and actively champion limitations and fixed beliefs because it serves them to do so. Fixed-systems beliefs gives stability and structure to people's lives (a common example being 'astrology'). And this acceptance occurs despite those beliefs stifling, limiting and denying wonderful potentials and possibilities. Chatting to a young woman at the festival who was open to the deeper quantum-possibilities of life got me thinking of the benefits from sharing good, sound belief-system concepts. As a result I'll start setting up "belief clinics" focused on "Joy, Peace, Ease, Love and Laughter" -- we'll be focused on having fun, ease, laughter and 'letting go' limiting, fixed beliefs about the past, the present and the future.

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The promise of greener spiritual grass

I had a long chat today with a good friend who had recently complete a 3-day self-development workshop.

As we chatted about what he experienced and gained (for  a not-insubstantial fee in excess of $500 for the weekend), I asked, "So what did you learn that you didn't already know?"

His answer was that nothing substantially new was encountered, except some tools for being 'more authentic'. Even so, he retained a warm regard for this course.

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Entrepreneurs: spiritual people

Nic Frances' End of CharityDriving along with a friend recently I remarked I'm beginning to realise that genuinely spiritual people are those who use their intuitive abilities for the good of society: "social entrepreneurs" -- those who actually build or create something new and of value to all.

The rest can meditate and talk and 'bliss out' until the cows come home, but for me, those who actually do things, invent things or invent new ways of doing things, or who bring new awareness, ideas and insights to society are authentically spiritual.

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The Belief Doctor’s approach

As explained on the About page, my focus as The Belief Doctor is to work with people and provide examples and information that reveals the power and productive benefits gained from combining "masculine" and "feminine" energies in one coherent approach to life, in all areas of life. This combination — of effectively combining both 'head' with 'heart' to enable intimate, powerful and rewarding personal, business and social relationships — is recognised by leading thinkers as being crucial to ease, wellbeing, intimacy, creativity, productivity, innovation, health, wealth, fulfillment and happiness.

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The Power and Importance of Blindspots

Blindspots in our awareness can have devastating effects upon our lives. Blindspots can be bad for business, health and personal wellbeing.forest-and-trees

  • Business and Finance - The recent Global Financial Crisis was a blindspot that caused havoc for millions. In business, blindspots are commonly known as inefficiencies, poor employee morale, or unproductive investments that can end in bankruptcy.
  • Wellbeing and relationships - Research reveals that the majority of relationship breakups are initiated by women, and that men usually don't see them coming. Many men report being caught off-guard and left feeling bereft and suicidal. "In a study of 4000 suicides ... 70 per cent were caused by relationship breakups. Men were more likely to commit suicide than women by a factor of nine to one."1
  • Health - Cancers, and other illnesses are example of blindspots in our awareness that can lead to physical impairment and death.
  • Accident and injury-  With the latest research from the field of quantum physics, we can appreciate and learn to use the deeper interconnections of events, both good and bad. That is, we can learn to check for the ubiquitous (albeit subtle) nonlocal2 signals that can help us avoid danger, accident and injury.

By their very nature, blindspots are difficult to spot - hence the name. But as the world recently witnessed, their effects are highly visible and almost impossible to ignore. Blindspots can remain blind to us on approach, but prove devistating on arrival.

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